Isn’t it strange how empty everything feels after someone leaves? How wrong it feels when you walk into the living room and your blankets aren’t sprawled across the floor for them? How upsetting it is when you know they aren’t going to wake you up by dragging you out of bed in the morning, way too early?
- Freud should have written about and studied the ghosts people leave behind in houses and on skin and behind eyelids, even when they’re still alive, because to me that’s more tangible than my ID, Ego, and Superego.
His memory retrieval should have outlined the shape of people’s imagined hand print resting on my forearm when they’re gone. sometimes i can still feel the way the grooves in people’s fingertips leave indents on me. Why didn’t Freud write about that? Why doesn’t anyone ever write about that? And if they do, then why doesn’t any one ever teach it?
No one ever taught me how to make the dull ache in my back subside after i doubled over with loneliness and that’s a big problem because i think it only gets worse from here. Why doesn’t anyone ever tell you that?
- Why didn’t Skinner teach me how to balance the reward and the punishment of someone packing their bags?
- Why didn’t Erikson teach me about this phase in my development?
- Why wasn’t “a step-by-step guide on how to shake loneliness in public places” implanted into my frame by Piaget’s schemes? Why isn’t kicking out the ghosts in me a scheme?
- Chomsky said something about a “hungry lad” but no one ever told me lads would be this hungry. i’m so confused. i thought jagged-mouthed animals were the only ones who ate people’s insides.
- The only one who tried to teach me anything- who tried to console me was Burner, who said, “as we work our way out of a spiral, each orbit has less and less influence on us,” but I’ve been in the spiral for a while now and nothing feels less, only greater.